Why is it that death is always what brings us to our senses? Why does it take that final act of fate for us to open our eyes to the senseless assholes we’ve been?
I’m not sure really where I’m going with this. There was a loss for my family yesterday and suddenly I feel guilt, regret and shame. All emotions I should have felt long before now. I was not friends with her. In fact, we had a mutual disdain for each other. Over the last ten years, we both said hurtful things to and about each other. We never saw eye to eye. She was feisty and I was (ok, I am) stubborn and quick to fire off my opinions. Truth be told, I’m often described as some form of feisty myself (The word usually starts with a capital “B”).
She was the longtime girlfriend of my brother, and cousin-in-law to my sister. She was always sick, born sick actually. A year ago this past Christmas, she received a heart and lung transplant and quickly felt better than ever. She was always vibrant and animated despite being sick. I don’t think anyone ever thought that Death would dare to stare her in the eye. But stare he did, and after a 29 year standoff with Death, she went home.
Though we were not close, I find myself mourning her loss. I hurt for my family as they grieve for her. I am reminded, by that oh so loathsome Death, that nothing is forever and in the end, we each have the same fate awaiting us. Grim, I know but true. It is not our earthly end fate that is important. It is the road that takes us from birth to death that is important. Which road will you choose? Which fork tine will you take? I must confess, when I met the fork in the road with her, I chose the wrong one. I chose to be resentful for the degradation of my friendship with my brother. If I’d have gone down the other road, I’d have gained a new friend, instead of a foe.
Hindsight is always 20/20 but regret can be blinding. I do regret the path I chose but I won’t be blinded by it. I have learned from her. It was a hurtful, tumultuous lesson ten years in the making but I will recognize that road for what it is should I come across it in the future.
So, here’s to you Michelle…we could have been friends, but we will always be sisters in Christ. I’ll see you in Heaven, and give you a long overdue apology.
